This is one of my unsent letters to you, J. I wrote it more than two years ago when you went on a trip abroad...

J,
You're coming back tonight -- I'm happy and excited. Weird as it may sound, I missed you! These past few days have been sheer torture for me. I'd reach for my mobile phone to text/call you, only to stop myself because I know you can't be reached. More than the geographical distance, I know that this was strictly family time for you. I accept that and I respect it. It pains me but I welcome it hoping that it would finally jolt me back to reality...The reality that there can never be an "us". It will always be me, you and your family.
For the past several nights, in the darkness of my lonely room, I pictured you in my mind -- alone, standing by the glass windows of your hotel room staring pensively at the ___ skyline, perhaps thinking about me??!!
I feel this special bond, this connection to you that I never have with anyone else. I am slowly learning to accept two things when it comes to you: First, that my heart has a stubborn mind of its own. I've tried to reason with it, argue, cajole, and grapple with it to no avail. It simply insists on you and you alone. Second, contrary to the reassuring things you say and do, I still can never, ever become a part of your life...But I do know and feel that I belong in your heart just as you do in mine. I do not want to cause you any trouble, much more complicate your life--- I love you too much to do that. I constantly pray for your safety and happiness. And I know that your happiness and well-being are defined by this single word : family. They are your life and your loyalty to them, that of putting their happiness over and above your own, is one of the things that endear you to me. Such irony--the very thing that I admire in you is the very reason why we will never have OUR chance...not in this lifetime, anyway.
You are so easy to love, J. The hard part comes in loving you and not being able to express it freely and show it to the whole world. I once read that in every life, there is one great love and one unforgettable heartbreak. Guess what, J -- you are BOTH in mine. You are the one great secret of my life...the crime of my heart...the burning fire in my soul. Though we've never been, and will never be, together...in my heart, we have never been apart.

Morning comes and I open my eyes
with thoughts of you.
I hear a song that reminds me of you
and I sing along.
I hear your name and my heart
cries out for you.
I see you and I feel so much pain and anguish
that is too deep, even for tears.
I think of you to get me through the day,
yet these same thoughts torment me with fear for you...
Are you well?...Are you safe?...Are you happy?
When night comes, I lull myself to sleep
feeling you beside me, holding me, talking to me,
...just being with me.
Somehow, I feel comforted knowing that
someday, somehow, you'll come and
I'll be here waiting...just waiting for you.

For Jaki

We've known each other for the longest time,
yet it was barely a year ago when
you began to intrude into my thoughts...my dreams...
my life...and into my heart.
Why only now?

We've always been comfortable in each other's presence,
yet, lately, an awareness, an inexplicable feeling
has made each encounter more exciting...
Why only now?
You've always been the friend whose thoughtfulness
and concern I've taken for granted -- and now, each act of kindness,
each show of concern seems more meaningful
and is eagerly awaited and deeply appreciated...
Why only now?
All these years, you've always stayed on the sidelines
of my life while I went on my merry way.
Yet, suddenly, you've now become the center of it all...
Why only now?
For so many years, I've looked in different directions,
always seeking "The One" who would show me
the exhilarating highs and the painful lows of love and romance --
only to realize that YOU could have
shown me all of these and more ...
Why only now?
How could it have taken me this long
to fully understand your constant presence in my life and
to appreciate the special friendship you've offered all these years?
How could I have been so stupid
to reach for the impossible when, all along,
YOU were there to offer so many possibilities...
all the could-have-beens that are now simply beyond my reach?
Now, I long for the happiness that
I let slip through my fingers so nonchalantly...
Now, I realize what a rare chance I easily ignored
without so much a backward glance...
And I am filled with so much regret
for not seeing you then the way I see YOU now.
Why only now,
when you have become unattainable?
Why only now,
when you seem to have found your happiness
and have created a world of your own
that I can never, ever become a part of?...
WHY?!

my new journey

Endings...mean new beginnings, too. I've just closed a chapter in my life and I'm now in search for something new. A friend suggested blogging and I said to myself, Hmmm, why not?... So here I am, gingerly making my way into unchartered territory (once again)...curious (as always), willing to learn something new and hoping to make meaningful and delightful discoveries on this journey! Good luck to me!!